It's 1:50 on a Tuesday morning. My stomach is upset and I can't sleep. I'm lying here thinking, dreaming, wrestling with what I'm doing with my life.
I'm 50 years old. I have a successful career in technology. The money is good. But I'm feeling a desire to change. I want something different. I'm called to something different. There's an uneasiness inside of me, and it has me asking: What the hell am I doing?
Every Mary needs an Elizabeth
I've always wanted to help other women. To pour into other women. I find great joy and happiness in helping women thrive. I like to say every Mary needs an Elizabeth. Every woman needs an Elizabeth in her life.
Elizabeth was the wife of Zechariah in the Bible, and Mary's cousin. She was pregnant with John the Baptist, six months ahead in her pregnancy before Mary herself became pregnant with Jesus. When the angel came to Mary, he told her, "Hey, your cousin Elizabeth is six months with child." Elizabeth served as a reminder to Mary of God's promises.
Elizabeth serves as inspiration. She serves as an anchor to keep you pushing and going when you begin to question God. When you start saying, this gift you've given me, this thing you told me you were going to do, it sounds wild and crazy. I feel judged by others. I'm afraid to show up.
Elizabeth is the reminder that it's not about them. It's about you. As long as you keep doing it, and you trust in what God is saying, He will make it happen.
The promise
I am at that point. I had weight loss surgery in 2009 and I made a promise. I said, God, you bring me through and I will help other women. Now, 16 years later, that call is here. I guess the promise has come due.
And I want more. I want to take my background in technology and use it, because I understand what technology gives me. It gives me access. It gives me the ability to do things that most content creators and online business owners have to spend money on. My gift in technology allows me to share my talents with the world. My gift in technology lets me perform my calling.
My calling is to inspire women. My calling is to help women who have struggled with their identities. Women who ran from who they were and buried themselves in food. Women who had a poor relationship with food until the weight became their identity. The weight became something they ran from. Something they hid behind. The weight became who they were.
They appear comfortable to society, to the world. But they struggle inside. They're successful in their careers, successful in business, successful in every other area of their lives. But this thing called weight is a constant reminder of failure.
Breaking up with myself
I have been at this thing for 16 years. I've struggled with my weight since I was a young lady. Since I was a little girl. And finally, as I'm getting it, as I'm becoming, I'm learning. I'm learning to love who I am now.
The more I fall in love with me, the more I want to share me. This journey of the after years is truly about embracing the breakup with myself, and bringing women along on that journey. Showing them how to discover who they are. Showing them how to be delivered from that old identity. Showing them how to depend on God to help them walk, and stand bold and courageous, in that new identity. Sharing the discipline that comes along with that journey. Making myself vulnerable and sharing my story to help others.
That's where I am in my career. I'm tired of making other people happy at the expense of my own happiness. I find joy in helping women. I find joy in healing, and in being openly vulnerable to inspire women to love themselves the way I'm learning to love me.
Society has taught us that weight is everything. It's unfortunate that we judge ourselves by a number on a scale. We are so much more than that.
No, it wasn't the easy way out
And yes, I've had surgery. No, it was not the easy way out. That shit was hard as hell. I put my life in danger, only to get to the point later where I had to put in the work just like everybody else. I've gained. I've lost. I'm still learning to silence the little voice that comes out and says:
Your hips look a little wider today.
Oh, you've got a little flap on your stomach.
Oh, your thighs. You've got a little loose skin on your thighs.
Oh, you have cellulite.
Fuck that. Yes, I do. And guess what? I love every flaw the world has told me about. I love them even when I don't feel like it. I say it to myself anyway. And I want to share that self-love with other women.
I am not my career
I'm called to do something different on this journey. Writing about menopause. Writing about muscle. Writing about medication. Writing about all the mental gymnastics that come with the after years. After years of weight loss. After years of working against yourself. After years of accepting who you are. After years of menopause.
My career no longer defines me. I am not my career. I've been in technology for 20-some years. I'm good at what I do. I make a lot of companies a lot of money. But I'm still not fulfilled.
My joy is in sharing and helping. My career is helping other women. My career is helping women in executive fields who are trying to let go of the old identity.
So I'm putting it out there. I'm changing my career. I'm building a community. I'm building an app. I'm doing what I've been dreaming about doing for years.
If this is you
If you're not happy with where you are, it's OK. If you've reached 50, or you're over 40 (because I've been feeling like this for a while), and you still feel unfulfilled, it's OK.
Now look. You can't go telling people at the job just yet, because you still need to keep your job. Plan your exit strategy. And you can't exit if you're not loving yourself.
Discover who you are. Discover what you're called to do. Make the decision to be delivered. Embrace who you are. Take action every day. Take a single action every day to embrace and discover who you're becoming.
Find a partner. Find a girlfriend. Find your Elizabeth, someone who can help hold you accountable.
Move your temple. Move your body every day. It doesn't have to be stressing yourself out in the gym. It could be doing squats in between meetings. Walking on your lunch break. Standing instead of sitting. If you’re able to move your limbs consider it a blessing.
Find a community. You can join this one. We're just getting started, and this is a community of support.
And most importantly, get naked. Look at yourself in the mirror and love the woman you see. Know that you're capable. Know that these desires are not selfish. These desires are nudges toward your true calling.
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